200 miles. 3 times. And the exhaustion that goes with it.

Here is the thing. I know that 200 miles is a bloody long way. So why would anyone want to run/walk/hobble that far. And then why would they want to do it three times within a few months of each other? After doing it, I don’t know that I have the answer for that.But for me, the reason was always “why not”. I have had several things happen in my life that could have seriously impacted my life and my body and my ability to do things like this. If things had gone slightly differently, there was a very real possibility that I could not have done this. So that’s why I say “why not!”. Why not do it, and see how far I could push mentally and physically. Why not, go on an adventure. And an adventure it was!

Delirious was the start. It should have been the start a year earlier but we all know what state the world was in in 2021. A year of planning. Extra training. Trying to work out how it would all work. Trying not to get too excited in case it didn’t all happen. But it did. It was a huge roller coaster of a run that I honestly wouldn’t have got through without my crew and pacers. Candy, Eve, Neets, Shaz, Andrew - Team double butter- single filling. Absolute legends, who laced my drinks with extra caffeine, pushed me along, let me sleep for the perfect amount of time (7-10minutes) and were nice when I was grumpy. The laughing until I cried. Helping me up when I couldn’t get up myself. Feeding me, taking care of my feet, and wiping away my tears. You were honestly the best. And the book “ How a discovering dirt naps changed my life” will be dedicated to you all. And Glen. The most amazing superstar coach, who I coudlnt have done it all without. 

Going into Delirious, my aim was to enjoy it. And I really did, as crazy as it seems. I had some of the highest of highs. And lowest of lows. At points, I genuinely didn’t think that I would be able to finish it. I was down, and I slow, I was walking at 2km per hour, less that half way into it. This is when the discovery of a dirt nap changed my world, I came back to life, and got the job done. I layed in places I would never normally walk barefoot. I laughed at things that weren’t funny, and saw faces in footsteps that didn’t exist. I discovered that jellybeans are amazing. And that caffine tablets are also life. I got caught with my pants down, and was so glad it was a friend who caught me. And I took my body and mind to places I didn’t think I could go. Many times. It honestly felt like I was on a rollercoaster of emotions that would never come to an end. I almsot started to dread the highs and feeling good, as I knew a down patch was going to follow. And that was a horrible place to be mentally. 

What did I learn from Delirious 2022, besides all things caffine and dirt naps? That having the right people around you is key. To pick you up, and give you a kick when you need it. To walk beside you in silence when you just need to think. To agree to your crazy ideas and then work with you on how to make it happen. To celebrate with you. To cry with you. To feel your frustration, to know you are on the edge, but know the exact way to get you off the edge and smiling. Even if you yourself don’t know what that way is. People who believe in you when you aren’t sure you believe in yourself. They are the people you need. They are the people I had. Team double butter, single filling. My people. 

I remember getting to the end of this one, and wondering how the hell I was going to do it two more times.

Recovery first . AKA waiting for blisters to heel and coming up with a better way to manage them. Which apparently is simple. Instead of running a 200 miler in lots of sand and dirt and hot weather with swollen feet, do it in the cold with paddocks and roads. So simple! Even better, do one in the Blue Mountains, in the freezing cold, walk through some water, and then feet don’t swell and blisters are at a minimum. Easy, right??

Next up was Irrational in South Australia. This was the 200miler that almost broke me. But honestly, I was broken before I went into it. I was exhausted mentally. Business life was hard. It is never easy to leave a business which has your heart and soul, and trust all will be ok. Covid was also in full swing and I was so worried that I wasn't going to be able to get to the start line. I even moved out of my house, so that if one of the kids brought it home from school, I wouldn't be a close contact. So life was already not normal heading into it. I was then worried that it was overkill doing this. But learning late in the event that one of the kids had Covid meant I had done the right thing. But damn it was hard.

 Going into an event with high stress levels isn't ideal at all. It made for a grumpy Aimee. Sleep was an issue for me during this race too. I couldn't sleep when I tried. Dirt naps worked a little but not amazing.I was shattered. Whilst some of the scenery was absolutely stunning, alot of it was not. Fences and paddocks. Gravel roads. It was never ending. It made it hard to distract yourself from what you were doing. It was so easy to get in your own head, which for me just made me even more grumpy. Add in getting my period mid event, which means that the peak of my grumpy and impossible to deal with, overtired Aimee lines up with when I wouldnt normally be tired, emotional and hard to deal with just in everyday life let alone an ultra marathon. In no way an excuse, but it is reality.

So for those people who got me at my worst, I apologize! 

Speaking of people who got me at my worst, hats off to mum for putting up with me! She was solo crew for most of it, thrown into the ultra world, with a stressed and grumpy daughter. Not a great combination. I know I wasn't the easiest to deal with (understatement of the year!). It was the hardest ultra for me, with next to no sleep and not feeling like any food.Two key elements for sanity. Not having these working well makes it hard for me, but even harder for crew. Lucky we love each other lots! And yes, even after all this, we still do! And also Rach. You were fabulous. You got me through a terrible night, without thinking I was completely crazy. I introduced you to dirt naps, and you learnt that I love to have lots of random chat about anything to keep my mind off what I was actually doing. I am forever grateful! And Rob. You did my head in. You picked up your mood at aid stations and I fell apart. Out on the trail you slowed down and hit a wall and I would pick up. The perfect, most frustrating combination. Thanks for the chats, the multiple detours off course, the dirt naps with gunshots in the background, and the enthusiastic “woo” when I counted the ridiculous amount of styles we climbed over. 

At the end I felt huge relief. To be 2/3rds done. But also wondering how I would recover, pick up and deal with the mental aspect of training again for the third one. Then it was a case of getting home. But not being able to go home. Because the house was full of covid. It was so hard to be away and know that things could potentially go bad and I wouldnt be there.My big mum heart was silently breaking in many parts. Feeling guilty for doing something for me, for putting myself first.  It was heartbreaking and the longest time away from my kids and husband. 

And look, on reflection there are so many things I would potentially do differently for this 200. Honestly - if it wasn't the second of the three events in the triple crown I think i would have pulled out, or been a DNS. I wasn't in the head space. My stubbornness got me both to the start and to the end. Maybe I shouldn't have run it. I spent multiple nights in tears before I left, trying to work out what the right thing to do was. It is the only event I have ever felt completely torn about. I wasn't excited about it. But I also so desperately wanted to do it. I didn't want to let people down. I had committed so much to this. So much time away from my family for training, being tired, not being as present as I would like to be. I honestly felt like if I didn't do it, it would all be for nothing, a waste. I know that everyone would have supported me either way. But this is how much I was in my own head about the whole thing.  I started it broken. I definitely broke more during it. I was shattered to pieces, both physically and mentally. I said things, in ways that I shouldn't have, to people who I care alot about. And I can't change that. I can say I am sorry, I was doing the best I damn well could. But I honestly don't know that my best was good enough. Maybe that's why it has taken me so long to write this. Maybe that's why I still feel a little bit broken and emotional about it all, sitting here in tears writing this.

Maybe I still have nightmares about fence lines, paddocks and stiles. 

But….onwards and upward!

Recovery went well. I was ready for the third and final 200 miler. Excited for the views. Excited to get it done. Excited to enjoy it. After SA, the aim for NSW was simple - finish and enjoy it. And enjoy it I did. Maybe more so as I had time to reflect on the last one, and did not want to be in that headspace again. General life stress had also decreased and I definitely felt better going in. And maybe just having travelled interstate to the last one, I was better prepared for what I would need to take with me, which then decreased some stress.

I spent so much of this event solo. Much of the first half I was running alone. Which sounds terrible and boring, but it was actually fabulous. I had time to think. Time to process. Time to be grateful. It meant I loved having company when I had it. I could curse and cry, or laugh and sing as loud as I wanted to, to my heart's content. I think the easiest way to describe this was at ease. But the whole event wasn't like this. I hit a wall with stomach cramps and all the not fun things in the middle of the first night. Luckily I had Rob with me this leg, and we traded roles from Irrational. I was in a hole and he dragged me along and got me to the next aid. Team WA was also amazing, helping in everyway they could through the whole thing. My crew did not arrive until after this aid. So I wasn't feeling fab, fatigued, cramping, shaking, dizziness. Team WA and the amazing aid volunteers made sure I was taken care of, and was feeling back to life before I left. This is where I again spent a lot of solo time on the trails. But the views were absolutely amazing and the sun was up. All was well with the world again. Maybe I would have felt differently if I knew how much I would be solo from here on in, the next 30 odd hours. In the middle of this I met the amazing Kat and  Deb, Team Crab Craps  (dont ask me to explain, as I simply won't!).They took care of my every need. From fixing chaffe to making sureI had slippers not thongs to wear at every aid. Honestly these ladies were absolute legends. They knew what I wanted before I knew I wanted it, and they put up with many meltdowns!

I managed to sleep this time. A few solid hours made all the difference. Along with being able to keep down food. It really is key. The hills and steps didn't seem so bad after both these things. I saw amazing sunsets and sunrises through the mountains. That always helps with mood. What does not help is it being so cold that your gloves stick to the ice on the metal climbing over fences. What does not help is having to cross a massive suspension bridge, in the middle of the night, with a raging river below, when you are honestly terrified of heights and don't even like to stand on a chair. That, at a time when I was exhausted as I hadn't slept much and it was enough to throw me over the edge. Figuratively not literally. I did make it across the bridge. In a pile of ugly tears and hyperventiliation. The way back across it was no prettier. I had company from Deb the way back. It was just as terrible, and being at the start of a leg, made for the most horrible leg I had in any of the 200 milers. Dirt naps didnt work. Food didnt work, singing didnt work. Crying and swearing helped a little. I was a blubbering mess.  Deb got me through the hardest leg of any of the 200s. Thank you. It was even better than the one with the abseiling and the rock climbing..  Oh yes, also another fun activity for this terrified of heights person. Again, ugly crying was clearly critical to me getting through this! 

I had many meltdowns. I mean it wouldn’t be an event if I didn't. I had one stage when I was really flat. I heard a conversation, when I assume they thought I was asleep. I was lying and trying to sleep. What I heard was along the lines of there should be more of a cut off, and people that come into aids looking the way I did really should think about why they do this. And it's not really a race if we are moving so slow. Now, I don't know exactly what was said. But that's what my brain took in. I also know that it was most probably not said in the way I heard it and took it. But I took it as I didn't deserve to be there. That I should have been stopped. That because I am not still running, I should be pulled. That I am too slow. And that played with my mind oh so much during that next leg. I questioned why I was there. And if I deserved it. I had many tears. But also stopped to admire the amazing views and give myself a pep talk. I hated that someone was questioning my ability, questioning that I could do this. I know that they weren't doing that at all. But that's what I felt. So then part of finishing became about proving them wrong. Proving everyone wrong who had doubted me. Because I know there were alot of people who doubted me. And that is ok. 

I feel like I spent jsut as much time in this event crying as I did laughing. As much time smiling as I did grimacing. As much time questioning my life choices as I thinking I was damn amazing. I did not spend nearly as much time feeling completely broken as I had in SA.The key difference with NSW, and WA vs SA was my mental state going into them. And that I was then able to eat and sleep. And I honestly do believe that it was the state of stress that my nervous system and body was in prior to SA that made it so hard to sleep and eat. As it just went further into a stressed state. And when your body is stressed it doesnt like to eat and sleep. Not helpful in this situation at all!

What is also not ideal is the absolute full blown tantrum about 5 km from the end. Throwing my poles, sitting in the bushes, just wanting someone to come and get me. Hysterical crying. But I managed to get up and get going to the end. 

I'll never forget finishing. Crying with delusional laughter with Kat and Deb 500m from the end.  Amazing hugs. Tears. Being able to actually run across the finish line. Drinking some sort of alcohol and eating pizza. Feeling completely exhausted. Feeling done. Just wanting my husband and kids to be there, but also being so grateful to have the time just to be. I remember laying in bed that night, not being able to sleep. Wondering how I managed to do all of that. Wondering how I would ever actually explain what I went through. Wondering if my body and mind would ever be the same again.

The truth is, my body will never be the same, and neither will my mind. And I think I knew that. I mean that's why we do crazy things like this, isn't it? To expand ourselves in some way?  To push to our limits? I honestly do believe I took myself to places I had never been physically and mentally. Did I push it as far as I could? Who knows! I do know that I crossed the finish line at 11:11pm…..and that tells me that I was exactly where I was meant to be, doing exactly what I was meant to be doing. 

With all of this, all I really wanted was two things. 

One was to prove to all those people who said I couldn't do it , that I damn well could! And I did that.

The second was way more important.  I wanted my kids and husband to be proud of me. I want them to know that their mum is pretty amazing and cool and does hard things. I wanted to be an example to them, that you really can do anything. Commit, give it a good crack, and most things are possible. That there are no crazy ideas, just adventures. That people will doubt you. That people will tell you to quit. That it will seem like the whole world is conspiring against you. But you can do hard things. And it's ok if most of the world doesn't even understand what it is you did.

Because the most important thing is to leave your heart and soul out there, wherever that is, whatever you are doing, and be proud of what you do. 

I just hope they are proud of me. Because maybe, I am super proud of myself too!

So instead of asking yourself why when you get the chance to do something a little crazy

…..maybe ask why not instead.